[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.