Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
guilty
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up