@MadamBetteNoire: Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you're sitting there banging your head on the table.
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@chrissyteigen: you get to give way cheaper gifts when you have kids. literally just take a pile of garbage and write “love, [kid’s name]” and no one says anything
@BeardedRambles: Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way. And I kinda moaned when it slid in.
@Fred_Delicious: [sees some cut grass] "Nice" [sees some ripped leaves] "oh yea" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] "holy shit"