@MadamBetteNoire: Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you're sitting there banging your head on the table.
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@stephenjmolloy: [AA meeting] Ian: ...and I've been sober for 12 years now. Me: Err... I'm at the wrong meeting. *start packing up my battery collection*
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Phone with Mom] "Did you just friend request me?" I'm on fb now "I'm not adding you" Fine do your own laundry then *accepts friend request*
@daemonic3: [date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
@DurtMcHurtt: [job interview] What are your strengths? Me: inventing special occasions. Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*