Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
☠️☠️☠️
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.