Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You Might Also Like
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Nothing to do, you say?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough