my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
You Might Also Like
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
no their not
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?