I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
True.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees