[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Me recordaron éste meme
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
had to make it
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.