@simoncholland: *Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TravLeBlanc: I'm a failure as a sociopath. I'm just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I'm more of a so-sopath.
@geraintgriffith: "This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing." "What's that Sarge?" "Someone's building a pig."
@dubstep4dads: [twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard] me: hey
@sixfootcandy: Me: Mmm...I love your milky white skin. Him: Ma'am are you registered for this class? Me: Yes Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.