At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Taliband
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Just a friendly reminder!
everyone has that one prude friend
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene