I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I didn’t realize that was an option
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.