Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted