Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
What kind of a cult is this?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.