Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
The best plant holders?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool