[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.