Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.