Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Wake me when AI does housework
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.