Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
You Might Also Like
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
This meeting could have been a cake
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.