@lorigonzalez28: Technically... It's only illegal when you get arrested.
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@LaniBeno: I don't understand what you mean by 'stop drinking so much'. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word "bae" so teens stop thinking it's cool and it goes away forever.
@Eightinchgoat: Her: I LOVE your beard! Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too! Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.
@kendragaylord: [Whole Foods] Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE! *I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*