Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!