Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
You Might Also Like
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.