Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
How can I say no to this ?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I love twitter
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”