[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows