People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
This meeting could have been a cake
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.