When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Word!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Generation gap…
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.