Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
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“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
necessity is the mother of invention
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.