Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
one last job
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me