@xosm: Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
@murrman5: [in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he's new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
"that's just Footloose"
@DanDoofus: Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
@InternetHippo: ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
@mattgallo123: People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"