@xosm: Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
@DiscoFruit: they say running is addictive, that's why i don't do it, i'm afraid i'll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.
@J0hnnyBlaze: "Omg, I literally just died"
-people who literally don't know what literally means
@tacsanitchiban: Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard?
Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
@TheFearBoners: I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I'll forget it. Like 'pick up milk,' 'go to bank,' 'you don't hate minorities.'
@JohnLyonTweets: I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis' house.