Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
i dont have time for this
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.