Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
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I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?