@13spencer: Ted Cruz is complaining about "liberal fascism," so I guess he's just stringing random unrelated words together, like "potato doorknob."
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@RandiLawson: I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
@daemonic3: WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God
@Mr_Kapowski: shipwreck diary day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn't want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me
@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.