@13spencer: Ted Cruz is complaining about "liberal fascism," so I guess he's just stringing random unrelated words together, like "potato doorknob."
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@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
@krisv_723: *Hears something go bump in the night. Me: *jumping out of bed. Who's there? Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
@Jake_Vig: Dear rock bands, If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.