@13spencer: Ted Cruz is complaining about "liberal fascism," so I guess he's just stringing random unrelated words together, like "potato doorknob."
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@dumbbeezie: I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
@Fred_Delicious: "Sir you can't bring your dog onto the plane" [labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat] "Omg captain I'm so sorry"
@Book_Krazy: [Pours goldfish into aquarium] You're free now "Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?"
@vapidaccount: Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes: Please stop. Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women. Love, M