teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Noah
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
cyclists