A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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calling in to work dehydrated
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.