Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.