Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
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i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this