heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me when my alarm goes off
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.