[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
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building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.