GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
couldn’t resist
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*