TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
You Might Also Like
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
bout dat hot dog summer
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke