Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m not stressed
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Good morning, Twitter x
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.