teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
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The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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CRAB: Thats dope
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CRAB: Hell ya
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CRAB: Wtf
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
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me: he kept laughing at me
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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*vending machines have entered the chat*
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
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