Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
He wanted to make sure😂
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.