If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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Brands during Pride
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes