Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
🙀🙀🙀😹
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!