i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
accurate
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon