Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
You Might Also Like
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
#parenting
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I missed you with all my darts
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.