[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
opening twitter today
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.