Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Breaking news:
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.