TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998