Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.