TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*