TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.