Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL