If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha