I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
This is my pinned tweet
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?